Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Well, back at it again. Back with the podcast.
[00:00:04] I.
[00:00:05] I had a podcast like a year ago or last episode. I did ship when was.
[00:00:10] Was maybe like a year and a half ago. And I've been thinking about doing this, and. And right now I'm just doing audio because I'm in my couch on my underwear, and I don't think anyone wants to see that.
[00:00:20] But I been thinking about doing this for a while now just because I've had a lot on my mind. I've been doing, you know, stand up every day, and I. I don't know, stand up is. You're supposed to be funny where. And on the podcast, I was able to be a little more like, just talk about real and different things. It's. It's on my mind. I was watching my buddy's podcast, Cam Bird. He's got a podcast called Going after it, and he did an episode by himself.
[00:00:45] And I guess this kind of inspired me. And as I do more episodes, I'll have more people on and, like, it won't just be me talking to the.
[00:00:52] The black hole of the world, but I remember I did it once. I did one episode by myself, and it was. It was kind of depressing, maybe. I also didn't know. I didn't know what the hell I wanted to say. Not that I really know right now, but I don't know, I just kind of wanted to talk about shit that's on my mind. And, you know, I think I.
[00:01:12] I got a lot of friends who are just going through shit and, you know, everyone is going through something and I guess kind of made me want to do this.
[00:01:23] You know, there's a.
[00:01:27] There's a word that someone told me recently called sonder. I didn't even know the definition of it. And it means, like, it's. It's when you're looking at people on the street and you're like. You're wondering about, like, their lives and their struggles that are going on in the world.
[00:01:45] And.
[00:01:47] Yeah, it's like you kind of. When you take a step back, like, I've been walking on the street now without my headphones a lot. Normally, I.
[00:01:54] I always like a soundtrack. Like, when I'm walking around, like, 90% of my day, I'm listening to music, and lately I've been taking my headphones out and really, you see people a lot more and you go like, fuck, man. I wonder what's going on with him?
[00:02:11] And lately I've been.
[00:02:13] There was a point where I wasn't listening a whole lot. I Was talking more than I was listening. And I think that's.
[00:02:20] That comes with stand up, you know, you're constantly wanting to talk. And lately I've been trying to shut my mouth a little more and listen to people, and I have a couple friends who. I'm like, hey, man. Like, what's. What's going on?
[00:02:32] And you realize, like, as much as they're smiling and laughing and this is obviously, like, everyone knows this, but you realize that, like, there's. There's a lot of shit that people are hiding, you know?
[00:02:46] And, you know, it feels like you can feel really alone when.
[00:02:52] When you.
[00:02:54] When you're going through something because you don't want to talk about it. Especially in, like, the comedy world. No. Last thing you want to do is be a drag.
[00:03:01] But I think it's like, fucking. It's super important to just like, hey, dude, like, you. Are you good? Like, what's going on?
[00:03:08] And a lot of times you could see, like, a.
[00:03:10] A bit of relief on people's faces where they're like, oh, I've been waiting for someone to ask me that. Been waiting. And honestly, I'm not. I'm not so great.
[00:03:19] And the more I've been listening, the more it's.
[00:03:25] It just changes your perspective on shit. Just so you kind of, like, makes you more aware of, like, wow. Like, I'm not saying people are gonna kill themselves or anything like that, but it makes you more aware of going. You're like, hey, you know, it gives this person, like, a. They're seen for a minute, you know, especially on stage, you have this Persona. I mean, I. I have. I like to think I'm pretty much myself almost to a fucking fault.
[00:03:53] But there is, like, a slight Persona that I have, especially on the Internet.
[00:03:59] I portray. I mean, my Instagram now has made me so unfuckable. It's. It's almost, you know, just. It is comical. Like, there's. If you went on my Instagram as a woman, you're just like, wow, this guy is a disgrace to society.
[00:04:15] But, you know, that's. That is a part of me that is. I think everyone. That piece of, like, who they are on Instagram, that is a slight part of them, especially if you're doing entertainment, if you're not, you know, maybe that whole Persona is your whole life, and maybe that's just who you're trying to be in the world, but in comedy or in entertainment, it's who you're trying to. Like, this is. This is my. I hate this fucking word. But this is my brand, my product.
[00:04:37] And.
[00:04:39] But it's. It's a. That is a piece of you, you know, at least for. In my world, like, you know, that person that you see is a piece of me. But there is a whole other side that I only share with, like, a very few selective people, like, very few. The people who know me my entire life.
[00:04:57] And, you know, if I get close to somebody, I will show them. And there's. There's a risk in that. You know, that's the scary part about it, is that when you do offer that side, it's. It's not always, you know, the prettiest, and sometimes you don't want to show it, but you're just waiting for someone to ask you, like, hey, what's up? And I've noticed it lately.
[00:05:23] You know, I got a buddy going through some, and he. I was like, yo, what's.
[00:05:29] What's up? And he told me all this, and now it's like, yo, it's made me more aware of, like, I'm gonna call this guy more often. I'm gonna check in and be like, yo, hey, how's it going? You know, are you good? And, like, and just reassuring. And obviously, a lot of times people just need to unload and they don't want to hear advice.
[00:05:44] But sometimes when you give them a little reassurance of like, hey, this. This will pass. Time will pass, you know, and it's this. Maybe it's gay or whatever, I don't fucking know.
[00:05:58] But everyone's going through some shit. And a lot of times, you know, that what fucking kills me is that every encounter you have now, like. Like I said, you know, everyone's going through some shit, but most encounters are so surface because, I mean, you don't really have an opportunity to really go like, hey, this is what's up?
[00:06:17] But recently I was talking to someone pretty regularly, and we really got to know each other, and it was the first time. And I mean, I guess when I'm 31 now, it's rare. It's really rare. Even when you're dating someone, like, it takes forever to really, you know, show somebody what you're. You know, what's. What's really going on.
[00:06:42] And, you know, when you have an opportunity where you kind of just unload, like, not unload, but you just go, hey, this is. This is who I am. And then you show me who you are. And it's.
[00:06:53] It's a really cool feeling, but there's a lot of risk in that. There's. There's the risk is, you know, something may happen, especially if it becomes romantic.
[00:07:02] Then, then the risk of losing them, then, then you have the risk of losing them if it doesn't become romantic. You really can't, you can't really lose them unless you've wronged them, which you wouldn't want to do that to someone that you care about.
[00:07:18] Someone actually said something to me recently. It's like, hey, if you want to stay friends with someone, don't them, which, which is really sound advice, honestly.
[00:07:30] But how do you not want to fuck someone that you, you get to know? Especially if it's like the, the parts of them that you like the most are the, the parts that are, you know, dark and, and the flaws when, when you start to really enjoy the flaws, that's when things. That's when you're in deep water where you're like, God damn, this person's broken kind of a little bit, just like me.
[00:07:53] And it makes you want to be closer to. And sometimes you have instances where, you know, you see the sides and you go, no, no, no, I don't want any part of that.
[00:08:01] And then you don't let it get romantic and you just stay friends and then you're able to still be there for that person.
[00:08:10] But yeah, I read a quote the other day.
[00:08:12] Well, not the other day, a couple. When, when was it? Like a week or two ago.
[00:08:17] That was like, I once saw a flower so beautiful.
[00:08:22] Instead of picking it, I let it be.
[00:08:27] And I think that's.
[00:08:28] It's the hardest fucking thing to do, man. It's really hard to just like. To see something where you're like, God damn, I really want that.
[00:08:37] And go, no, no, because I mean, in reality, I mean, this is that stoic shit that everyone's talking about now. And I, I don't like to subscribe to anything too much except my own thoughts, which are changing every day.
[00:08:49] But that stoic mentality of, like, nothing is yours, like, nothing belongs to you, especially another person. Like, that's the, that's the, the one that really, like, A lot of people think like they're people with wives and husbands think that their spouse belongs to them, and they don't.
[00:09:08] You know, in fact, those are the people that really don't belong to you. You know, you have to really appreciate them with. Without feeling like they're.
[00:09:16] They're your. I mean, they're yours. Yes, they've made a promise. That promise is yours. But who them? They're not yours. You know, And I think that's a really blurred line. Now, that is a line that people, the second they latch onto something and I've been guilty of it, you start to feel like they, you know, that's that thing is yours. It's not. That person is not. That person is their own, and they have free will to do whatever. And once you start boxing someone in, it sucks. And we all do it. We all do it. It's.
[00:09:50] It's hard.
[00:09:52] You know, it's like that, that. I've said this a million times, but it's like that story of, like, the girl who has, who, you know, her dad buys her a bunny rabbit at the store, and she's on the way home with the bunny rabbit, and she loves this bunny rabbit so much that on the way home, she's squeezing and squeezing it because she loves it. And by the time she gets home, she kills it.
[00:10:15] And a lot of times that happens. You see that a lot now.
[00:10:20] But with the Internet, man, with the fucking Internet, it's made everything so surface. So when you find something real, it's so hard to not latch on, you know?
[00:10:31] I mean, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about half the time. I don't, I don't know anything. I really don't. I'm just kind of learning as I go, you know? Like Carl Young had said, your life doesn't begin until you're 40. Everything before that is just research, which I don't. I guess so. I mean, I don't know. I'm not 40 yet. But the thing I, I, I felt like Since I've turned 30, like 29 into 30, things have been really, I've gotten, it's like a lot more clear. There's so much more clarity in my life.
[00:11:05] But maybe at 40 is when it's really gonna hit. I'll be like, oh, wow, I thought I knew something at 31, but I don't know jack. And then I'll hit 40 and be like, research. If I lived that long, which I sure hope I do, because that would suck, you know, but, yeah, man, it's, It's a weird thing. It's a weird thing, Life and meeting new people and hearing. I mean, the more you do comedy, the more you meet interesting characters who have so many different walks of life, like, I've met in the last few years, some of the most interesting people because you get to know them more. I mean, I feel like you learn the most about someone by their sense of humor.
[00:11:46] You know, that's really, to me, like, A major, major.
[00:11:53] The is the word. That's when you really learn about somebody, like, but based on what they laugh at, and you go, oh, okay. It's like. It's like a religious thing. Like, oh, you believe the same thing I believe. That's pretty cool.
[00:12:07] And it's.
[00:12:09] It's so subjective, you know, I've met people. I. I think things are so funny, and there's. I've met people who are like, how do you find that funny? And I'm just like, oh, wow, we're. We don't speak the same language.
[00:12:22] But humor, man, it's. To me, that is like. Like, I've never been a religious guy, but humor, it's like a. It's a religious experience.
[00:12:31] Like, when you crack up with somebody, it's. It is the most.
[00:12:37] Like, you don't even know where it comes from. You don't know. It's like it's tickling this part of your soul that you can't help but feel like, I don't know what it is. It's like, I guess when people go into a church or something, and they're like, I feel the spirits. There's a spirit in. In laughing at some. At the same thing with someone where you're like, oh, my God, you. You felt that. You felt that. That was a. That was a wild thing.
[00:13:00] Like, it was. It was here with us.
[00:13:04] And that's like. It's. It's religious, man. It really is. You know when you're laying in bed with someone and like, something. Like, something.
[00:13:13] The dumbest thing, and you're just like, oh, God, Wow. We are rocking to the same rhythm right now.
[00:13:20] But, yeah, man, it's.
[00:13:24] The Internet's made things so weird. So weird. And I'm on it. You know, that's the part that I'm on it now more than ever. Like, I'm making these dumb videos of. And I'm having fun with them. I am. And they're. They're almost like satire in its own way.
[00:13:40] But, like, I'm making these videos, and sometimes I exhaust myself. I'm like, oh, my God. Like, one. This isn't that funny, but this is what's getting the most reaction out of people. It's like. It's wild what people allow into their brains, because I know, like, if I saw the videos that I made, I'd be like, all right, this idiot.
[00:13:59] And it's a crazy thing because it's not like I love doing it. I'm doing it because, you know, it's. It's what you got to be doing right now, which I fucking hate that because I feel like I've sold my soul in some way.
[00:14:12] But, I mean, it's. Sometimes it's humorous, and sometimes I get a little giggle out of it. I really get a giggle out of the reactions. That's the thing I love. I love getting a reaction out of somebody.
[00:14:23] It's. It's like being a kid and, like, kind of like breaking a glass to see what'll happen with your, you know, oh, what's my mom gonna do?
[00:14:31] And that's.
[00:14:33] It's. It's exciting. I guess I haven't grown out of that.
[00:14:36] But, you know, who you are on the Internet now is the most.
[00:14:41] It's the first thing people see, and they think that that is all you. That's all you. And it's like, no, like. And I'm guilty of it too. You know, you see a girl who's, like, dressed like every other girl and, you know, doing the poses and all this shit, and I'm just like, ugh.
[00:14:56] Which, you know, is not right.
[00:14:59] But that's the way that we're. We're sort of wired now.
[00:15:03] It's like, oh, the Instagram's not right. Oh, their Instagram doesn't have the right aesthetic. I don't think this person's for me.
[00:15:09] And, yeah, and right now, like, that is.
[00:15:15] I think if I was a girl and I went on my Instagram right now, I'd go, holy, this guy is totally off his rocker.
[00:15:26] But, yeah, that's. That's what's been on my mind was the Internet stuff. And. And I took a break from it this last week. I've just been like, I need to step back for a minute because I'm like. And you make these videos and you're like, was that good? I don't know if this was good. I don't know if that's good. And you. You kind of get annoyed of your own. Your own existence. You're like, jesus.
[00:15:50] Like, you become so wrapped up. And I think that's what happened. I was getting so wrapped up in my own. Where I'm like, I don't. I'm not. Listen, I gotta.
[00:15:57] I gotta see what's going on outside of me right now. Because, you know, it becomes everyone's selfish on their own level. I think. I think everyone. I think it's healthy to be selfish to a certain extent. But then it gets to this point, especially when you're constantly talking to your reflection on your phone, you become totally unaware of anything that's going on around you. Any other person, any other. You know, and it really takes a lot of work to sit and go, hold up, hold up, hold up. You know, I'm feeling that something's off with my buddy, but. And I'm drained from talking to myself all day, but you have to go, I don't know. I need to know what's happening. Like, hey, hey, hey, I'm here.
[00:16:44] Yeah, I'm kind of like, bring. I'm. I don't know if I'm repeating myself right now, but that's what's.
[00:16:50] That's has been on my mind, man.
[00:16:52] That's just been on my mind, and I have.
[00:16:57] Relationships have been in my mind. I've been talking to people who are in relationships, and I'm like, are you.
[00:17:02] Are you happy?
[00:17:04] And. And some of them are just like, you know, when I ask them, like, how's your significant other doing?
[00:17:10] And they're like, yeah, yeah, they're. It's. Whatever.
[00:17:13] And I'm just like, damn, That's.
[00:17:17] That's. That's it. It's. It's like they're, you know, whatever. Yeah, they're. Whatever. They're okay.
[00:17:23] And I'm like, how you're supposed to live your life, I mean, the plan is. At least where it's going is that you're gonna spend your life with this person, and you just don't.
[00:17:35] You don't sound excited about it at all.
[00:17:37] Like, man, that is a. That's a. That's a tragedy.
[00:17:43] And it becomes.
[00:17:49] You gotta ask that person. You go, are you like, are you sure you want to be doing this?
[00:17:55] And I think that some people get so sucked into one thing for so long that they. They don't know any different. Like, yeah, this. This is what. I guess this is the normal thing is what everyone else is doing, but it's like, no, maybe you need to run in the other direction and. And be scared. Be scared of being alone and, like, be alone and feel that, because otherwise you're.
[00:18:19] You're gonna live a life that you never wanted.
[00:18:22] You know, I've been waking up in the morning and I've been meditating. You know, I'll meditate. Like, it's. It's been a. Like a month of this already. I'll meditate for, like 10 minutes, and then I'll. And everyone's doing this, so I'm like, you know, you've probably heard this before, but meditate, and then I'll. I'll say some things that I'm grateful for. And the one thing that I do, I go. Today may be it.
[00:18:46] Today may be the last day that I have. I don't know what's going to happen the second I stay. I mean, I don't even need to leave the house. I could, you know, choke to death in my kitchen. And I live alone, so no one's here to revive me.
[00:18:57] And I'm like, I'm alive right now, and this may be all I have. This may be the last day.
[00:19:03] So how am I going to live it? Even though I got to go to a job I don't really want to do, what am I going to do to make this day as good and as proud of, like, myself as I can be? And that thought. Starting the day with that thought makes me so much more aware of, like, yo, this is not. This is not forever. I will die soon, and we all will. And it's. It's really important to, like, ask yourself that. And those moments, like, I work all day, and then I'm like, at night, I'm like, what would be the thing that would really make me happy if, like, this was the last day I have? And, like, sometimes I'm like, I just want to sit on the couch, and I don't want to go anywhere, but it pushes me more to go, like, all right, now I'm gonna go do an open mic. Because I know that that's the thing that I want to be doing today. You know, that's. That's the one thing I want to give myself today. So that if I don't wake up tomorrow, at least I know, you know, even though I'm gonna be tired tomorrow, if I get it that I did that, you know, I did. I went and I was like, okay, like, I can go lay in bed going, this was.
[00:20:00] I did. I did what I wanted, or at least I had a part of my day that I really wanted.
[00:20:05] And if you're. You're with the wrong person or if you're. You're in a situation you don't want to be in, you know, And I understand if you quit your job. You have kids, you gotta. You gotta. You know, you gotta pay for life. And you kind of. You know, the more responsibility you have, the more you get sucked in. You can't just run. I get that. You know, I know I live like a child and I act like one, but I understand the. The, you know, adulthood, but you really gotta.
[00:20:29] You gotta go fuck. Like, because one day you're gonna wake up and you're gonna be 40, 50, 60. And you're gonna be like, damn, I.
[00:20:39] This isn't what I wanted.
[00:20:42] And that's. That's a scary thought. When you really sit with that, you become. You really start to think things a little. You think a little differently, and you go, all right. Like, and if I go down that road because it's so unknown, there's going to be the. The first gut instinct is going to be run, run back. Run back. Because this is weird. This is uncomfortable. But I think, how well do you really know yourself? If you don't sit with that, you don't sit with that. Holy. We are in the middle of the ocean. Our sail is broken, and this compass is barely working, and I.
[00:21:21] I don't know where I'm going right now. And this thing may capsize, but I feel like you learn from that than doing the same old routine with.
[00:21:31] With someone that you may have really loved at one point, but now is a complete stranger, and maybe they need that, too, and they don't even know that, you know. And this is becoming like a Dr. Phil episode. Holy shit.
[00:21:45] But, yeah.
[00:21:48] Yeah. And you see it sometimes and that. And then sometimes you're single and you meet someone and, you know, it seems, like, so great, but one person needs to spend some time by themselves to really learn some more. I've been that guy. I still. I think I'm still that guy where I thought, I'm like, yeah, no, no, I'm ready to jump. And then you go, oh, no, there's still so much more I got to learn about me.
[00:22:14] Because, like, how well can you love somebody else if you don't know much about yourself, you know? And sometimes people come into your life as, like, a lesson of, like, oh, you showed me how to do this again. Like, I forgot how to ride my bicycle. And you taught me again, like, fuck. Wow, that was such a great thing. And there's another quote by Oscar Wilde.
[00:22:36] People kill romance by trying to make it last forever.
[00:22:43] It's. I'm butchering that. But that's the basic bones of it.
[00:22:48] And that's a. That's a big one, too, because we all want it forever. Everything's forever and ever.
[00:22:53] And is it. You know, sometimes it's. It is more romantic when it's not. Like, you get this brief moment in time where things just fucking fit perfectly, and you go, wow, that was one of the greatest. That was the greatest thing. And I think what makes it great is that you kind of had it, and you had it. It was quick. It Ended, but you, you'll remember it for the rest of your life. Usually you don't remember, like when you have like really long drawn out relationships that you're like, and I understand relationships are working like the goal is to be monogamous with someone that you really just enjoy all the time. But that'll be work also because there's going to be days that are bad.
[00:23:31] But sometimes those, you know, the longer relationships, you sit and you go, you don't remember them as much as you do of like a two month fling or a two month little love affair where you kind of just get sucked in.
[00:23:44] You know, those are the, those are the ones you, sometimes you remember more where you're like, it was so heavy, it was so strong. It was so, wow, we had that.
[00:23:54] And maybe sometimes it ends prematurely. That's the other thing. Maybe there was, there was more to figure out there.
[00:23:59] But I guess things happen the way that they happen.
[00:24:03] You know, we're all grasping it at air of trying to like, hold on to shit.
[00:24:09] And it's so hard, you know, when you get stuck in that thought of like, oh man, like, fuck, I just, I need that. I need that, I need that. And the more you think that you get that pit in your stomach where you make yourself sick and you just, it could drive you insane. It turns you into like a crazy person.
[00:24:26] But with time, you kind of, you allow it to just go. It's, it's always going to be there. It's in my head, that thought, that person, that thing, that thought is in my head and I just got to let it sit there and I just, I kind of glance over at it and you go, hey, like, I know you're still there. And I still, like, I still have all the same feelings, but I'm not going to lose my mind over it, you know, And I could see that with a couple people I know I've had it before and.
[00:24:54] Yeah, man, this has nothing to do with comedy. This isn't funny. I don't know. I mean, I, like I said, this is. The podcast is always a place to talk about like real and, and funny.
[00:25:04] But I've just been lately, like been wanting to talk about stuff like this. You know, I, I love talking about relationship. I guess I'm like a woman. And when it comes to that, like talking about things like that and love and things that are close to your heart because those are, that stuff is. It's just, it's cool. It's. It's really cool. And I had a, you know teacher that told me, like, the best work that you'll ever do is when you're in love and when you're heartbroken.
[00:25:34] And it's true. And it kind of gets you thinking outside the box again. Like when you, when your feelings are hurt, one, it's nice to have your feelings hurt because it's a wake up call of like, oh, I'm not numb anymore. And those are like, like, you should have some gratifying feelings about that. Because to, to not be numb, a lot of times we're just operating on air, you know, I'm on, on autopilot. And when you feel hurt, it's like there's a second where you can go, oh, wow, I've waited to feel this shitty. And I. It's been a, I've been wanting to feel this shitty for a while. Like, I've been needing that because for a moment there I wasn't feeling much at all.
[00:26:13] And then there's times where you're like, I've been needing to feel this joy. That's another thing. The joy is harder to relish in because you, it comes and goes so quickly. You're not sitting there going, I'm having so much fun right now. You're just having fun. Whereas with sadness, you're kind of sitting there and going, I feel like.
[00:26:29] But with joy, it's the most wonderful thing because it is probably the most present a person can be when you experience extreme joy, extreme happiness, just great times. And when that night is over, you're driving home with your smile on your face and you're kind of trying to relive the night over in your head and you almost can't remember it because you go like, wait, oh. Like, because you were there, you were there the entire time. You weren't sitting there trying to examine every moment.
[00:27:02] I had that recently where I was, I was with someone and I spent the day with them. And I remember everything. I do remember it, but there's only one specific moment of like, there was a song playing and I remembered that nothing was being said. And I remembered the exact fucking time the sun was in the sky.
[00:27:26] It was peeking through the window of this person's house. And I was looking at them and I was like, it has become a Polaroid in my head because it was such a. It's the one like, real still memory I have. I remember all the other stuff, but it takes time to remember it because you're so present, you're having such a good time. You're not sitting there Going, I need to remember this good time.
[00:27:48] And that shit is. That is gold, man. That's fucking gold.
[00:27:53] Like, how often do you do that? Like, sometimes you go on a date and you're like, me, this is just not it.
[00:28:00] And it's so rare where you're like, this is just the. The train is rolling and we are moving, and we got to the destination so, so much quicker than I thought. Now we got to get off this train.
[00:28:13] And.
[00:28:15] Yeah, man, just being present, it's. It's a. It's such a rare experience because of all of the stimulus and all the stress in life that when you have those moments, you got to look back and go, and I say this all the time. It's like, yo, these. Those are the moments you remember that I think. I mean, I. I don't know yet. When I'm on my deathbed, I'll. I'll be able to. Hopefully I'll be able to tell someone and go, oh, man, back in that. That night that I had with. With this person and with so. And so. Fuck, like, that was one of the greatest moments of my life. Or that night with these. With the guys, I was hanging out with them. Nothing special was happening, but the beers were colder than ever, the laughs were stronger than ever, and oh, my God, did I feel alive. Like, that was. This whole journey was so worth it. Like, so much crazy happened. And that's what I remember. You know, that's. That's really what I'm. Wow. And I think that's. That's what I'll think about, you know, I mean, I have more life to live, so who knows? But, you know, there. There are days that I've remembered when I was 15 years old with, like, high school girlfriends or, you know, like that, where you're like, there's specific things that happen, or you're like, wow, I can't believe. I can't believe I can remember the smell. I can remember the things they were wearing. And nothing in particular had happened that day. But that's the moment that my brain kind of picked up.
[00:29:40] And that is.
[00:29:42] I think it's just like a testament of, like, this whole thing, this life thing is just about those. Those brief moments.
[00:29:50] There's a reason your brain has them. Like, there's a reason that the subconscious carries it around with you. Because it meant something to you. It means. Still means something to you, whether you remember it 15 years later or even a week later where you're like. Like that. That thing where, you know, she pushed her hair behind her ear. And I was driving the car and, you know, or, you know, when we were walking down the street and, you know, her. We were laughing at something that happened at the show. We saw or something like, you know, like that. And you go, why do I remember that? Like, what. What had. Was there anything that specific? But you can feel the cold on your face from that day, and.
[00:30:27] And the brain just keeps it and it tucks it away.
[00:30:31] And I don't. You know, sometimes they're sad. You have moments of like, I wish. I wish I was still living in that time. But you don't want to forget that. I don't think some people do because they're like, oh, it hurts them too much. But I think if you look at it with, like, a smile and some sort of, like, gracious feeling, you go, nah, man, that was.
[00:30:50] I wish. I wish I still had that thing and that feeling and that person. But it's. It's really.
[00:30:56] You can look at it and go, no, that was.
[00:30:59] I have so much appreciation for that. Rather than, like, disdain, where you're like, I don't want to think about that.
[00:31:06] I think it keeps you. It keeps you warm and it keeps you light for other people that you meet in your life.
[00:31:13] And people could feel. That people could feel when you're resentful of someone and your gut picks up on everything. Everything, you know, and, like, when someone walks in a room, you could feel when people want to be there and want to see them. And it's. I love people like that. That, like, when. When you. When they walk in a room, everyone's like, yo. Like, oh, my God. You know, those are the people that people love to be around. And sometimes those are the people that are hurting the most, but they manage to still give off that same light.
[00:31:40] And I think it's important to talk to those people, you know, and. And go and ask them, like, hey, you seem great. Everything cool. Like, I just want you to know.
[00:31:52] Yeah, just thinking. Just thinking, you know, and it goes to show you, like, we live in a world where now if you reach out to someone, it becomes like, you're clingy. Rather than, you know, if you want to reach out to someone and go, hey, how's it going? How are you?
[00:32:08] Some people take it as like, oh, this person doesn't want to leave me alone. But the real good people in world are like, oh. Like, they. They want to know, like, oh, that's so nice. They were thinking about me. But the world we live in now, if you do that, sometimes You're a creep or you're like a weirdo or, oh, this person can't let go. When in reality all they really wanted to do is just check in. Hey, I just wanted to hear your voice. And I'm a big proponent of that. Sometimes you gotta, like, give it some space. And I think sometimes you gotta go, you know, give it some air to breathe. But yeah, man.
[00:32:41] Yeah, that's. I've been. Wow. I had a lot to fucking. I don't know, I had a lot on my head.
[00:32:49] But yeah, comedy, man.
[00:32:52] Comedy's a funny thing, dude. I was up doing, I was doing.
[00:32:56] I've been doing shows lately and I think I've been trying to rebuild new material. And that's the other thing. Sometimes when you, when you have good stuff like that, like you meet someone new or you deal with some, some experience like that, you get great material out of it, at least if it's a good thing.
[00:33:15] But I've been doing new material and it's, it's so interesting because you feel like such a beginner. I mean, I'm not been. I've done it a couple years, but rebuilding from the bottom of like brand new, I'm trying to do again. And it's so fun to just be like, oh, wow, like, trying to work this whole thing out of like, oh, how do I, how do I make this funnier?
[00:33:41] And how people perceive things like, of like I'm trying to, you know, this topic is so fucking juvenile and ridiculous. And that's my whole act is, is just like, it's supposed to be absurd. And like, if you don't understand that, you just don't get it. Some people go, I see what's going on here. He's just, he's absurd. He's a wild man.
[00:34:03] But when you real, when you see people just go, nope, that's a, it's a funny. It makes me laugh almost like, oh, wow.
[00:34:12] Like, God damn, that's a crazy, It's a crazy thing the way people can take.
[00:34:20] You know when you're like, I, I thought it was so clear and it's not.
[00:34:24] It's kind of like it's sim back to relationships. It's like when you're making a joke and it's like the people don't get it. You're like, oh, it's not clear enough. Like, I, I'm a firm believer that you got to just keep trying to make it clear and more clear and more clear and eventually they'll get it. Like, there's like if you really believe in the, the idea. And it's kind of like being in a relationship of like, oh, I'm not making myself clear. I'm not making the point come across. And a lot of people, I think when they're in a fight with someone or something like that, and that they go, I know exactly what I'm saying. So you should be able to understand it. And it's like, if you treat actually your relationship kind of like writing a joke, you'll actually, I think, be better at like dealing with an argument or like dealing with like a way of going like, hey, here's my perspective. Like, I want you to see where I'm coming from. And if you treat it like a joke, you'll sit there and pick it apart and go, how can I, how can I put this in a way where you're gonna get it?
[00:35:21] And I think people just think, oh, because I said it this way and like, you know, I laid it out one way. Then you're gonna understand when in reality, sometimes you got to really just go, all right, no, no, no, no, I got to start. I got to scrap this and start from scratch or try seven different ways before I actually tell the joke and then, you know, or tell this person how I'm feeling. I really do believe that, like, I think, I think joke writing and relate and explaining, like dealing with an argument or a disgruntled partner, that you need to really figure out how to say this and make it come across where I'm not making you feel like I'm actually making you understand where you can go, ah, okay, I get it. And then. But that's a two way street. Whereas in comedy, you know, the audience doesn't have to do anything. You know, they just have to respond.
[00:36:12] So in a relationship, like, both people got to do it.
[00:36:15] But I just didn't even think about that until just now. Like, writing joke writing and dealing with hiccup in a relationship is similar. And maybe I'm wrong, I don't know, but that, that thought just came into my head and it kind of makes. Kind of makes perfect sense to me. At least there's some people in relationships, like, no, no, I'm clear. I know I'm right. And those people are fucked up. And like to say those comics are fucked up, like, no, no, this is the way it should be. And if they don't get it, them. And I'm a very much of like a them. The audience, in a way, obviously the goal is to make them laugh. But sometimes you get to a point where I've made myself super fucking clear. Like, I, I, I really, I really did the work here, and if you don't get it, then, then I'm just, maybe we shouldn't be doing this. Maybe should. Maybe this relationship isn't for us, you know, maybe this audience is not for me tonight, and that's okay. At same way that, like, maybe this, this fight isn't worth fighting, or maybe we're the wrong people for each other. Maybe it's one big fight that, like, that's the fight where you go, oh, no, no, we're actually the wrong match and could be a really good, good wake up call. Because I've dealt with crowds that did not like me. And I was like, I really, really tried to do my best here and I really tried to make myself clear and you guys just didn't like me from the jump or you guys weren't on board. So maybe this isn't a good match.
[00:37:36] Damn. I feel I kind of like that. And that's, I mean, that's. I'm sucking my own dick right now, which makes me a little nauseous. But that, you know, makes sense to me. I feel like that's kind of cool, but.
[00:37:49] Yeah, man.
[00:37:52] Yeah, dude.
[00:37:55] I don't know. How long have I been talking here? Like, 37 minutes. I should probably. The Nick game is about to be on. I should watch them. I want to see if it's game six tonight. We'll see if they win.
[00:38:05] I, I really hope they do. It's been 25 years since they've got this far. I'm not even, like a basketball guy, but I'm a New Yorker. So, like, when I watch, you know, when I see this happen, I'm like, all right, this is, I do appreciate, I do appreciate the Knicks. I love the Knicks, but I don't follow it religiously. Like, hockey is what I, I really follow.
[00:38:24] But yeah, maybe I'll cut it here. I think that's, I think that's a lot. I, I went through a lot and.
[00:38:34] Yeah, I think I'll do this more often. This is the first, the last time I did this alone. I wasn't, I don't know, I was just like, kind of didn't know what I wanted to say and I was a little depressing. And maybe this was depressing. And if it was, I'm really sorry. I wasn't trying to be, but I'm just talking my mind and I've. As I've gotten older, I've cared less About. I don't care really at all what people think about me. I care about what my loved ones think to a certain extent.
[00:38:56] I care if I upset them. But, like, other people, I really don't care, give a shit anymore. Like, a lot. Like, a lot of people think that's a major Persona, but it's. It's not. It's. It's. It's. Maybe it's some sort of defense mechanism, but I just am like, I don't have time. You know, I don't have time to care about what you think about me. You know, you think I'm fucking loser. Cool. You think I'm a fucking asshole. Cool. You think I'm great. Cool. That's. That's amazing.
[00:39:18] But I'm just. I'm just doing me, you know?
[00:39:24] So, yeah, maybe I'll do this alone more. You know, a couple more times. And I just wanted to put something out there. And, like, I'm gonna get the video hooked up, just like I said. I'm. I don't think anyone wants to see what I look like right now. I'm just. Just vibing out in the house.
[00:39:38] But I'm gonna have some guests on soon, and. And we'll get some video going. And this is just for the. I think it's almost better if you don't see me for this kind of episode where you just hear me. I'm just a voice talking to the void.
[00:39:52] But, yeah, we're gonna do this again. This was cathartic. I had a lot to get out.
[00:39:59] Anywho. All right, I am.
[00:40:03] I'm gonna go. This was another episode of chaos and Clarity with Harrison Marks.
[00:40:12] If you listened, great. If this helped, great. If you liked it, you know, comment. Or, like, what do they do? I don't know what the kids do, but if you did, no one's gonna fucking listen to this. That's the other thing. That's the part. The best part about this is that no one's gonna listen. So.
[00:40:28] Yeah.
[00:40:29] All right, well, chaos and clarity, Harrison Marks. See you next time.
