Episode Transcript
[00:00:08] Lately there's some things that have happened where I'm not feeling a hundred percent. Still got me. But haven't. I think when you're dealing with that kind of pain of a loss of a person, it's.
[00:00:23] It's a really slippery slope. It's a really, really tough one because you can. Because I think when you, when you've trained your brain, I've trained my head to think positively and to see things in a really nice light. It took an immense amount of pain throughout my life of beating myself up, of treating myself like shit, of talking horribly about having a terrible inner monologue, which I still struggle with.
[00:00:51] But I've taught myself to sort of see the bright side and things and always look at the light.
[00:00:57] But when you have, when you're, when your heart starts to hurt again, it's very, very easy to just slip into the old habits of just like, oh, your brain starts to enjoy that feeling, that painful feeling where you like to reminisce on things and you like to look back and you stuck in the past because there's a sense of you're feeling something rather than, than like there's a niceness. There's something nice about feeling that pain because you're not numb.
[00:01:34] But there's also like, there's not just the option of feeling pain and feeling numb. There's the option of allowing it to sort of just happen where you go, yeah, that happened. What's next? You know, what is. Who knows who I'll meet today? Who knows what's going to happen?
[00:01:50] I don't. You know, there should be. There's also a sense of excitement.
[00:01:54] And I'm. I'm someone who, when I'm feeling a little hurt, I like to listen to sad songs. There's something there. There's a comfort in knowing that you're not alone, that other people have felt this way. And obviously we all know that everyone has felt this way at some point, if you're lucky. I think it's a good thing to feel this way. It's. It's something to.
[00:02:13] It's something to appreciate because it meant that there was something real that happened. And it meant there's, you know, you know, there's a. There's a real growth in, in loss.
[00:02:21] And I think that if you, if you. But if you go down the rabbit hole of just wanting to just sit in your misery and not get off your ass.
[00:02:34] Excuse me, it's a little late.
[00:02:38] Then you're going to end up. You're going to a couple Weeks are going to go by and you're going to really let go. And you're going to. You're going to let yourself go. I shouldn't say let go. Let yourself go and go down this really dark path, the kind of path you have when you're like, fucking 18 and. And someone, you know rips your heart out and steps on it.
[00:02:55] Even if you're not feeling that bad, there's a. Is a way of getting there that's a lot easier than letting go. Like, there's a lot. There's a lot more work involved with allowing yourself to just go, yeah, okay, that happened. Let's, let's. Let's see what. Let's, let's look at today as a good thing. Let's. It's all good. I mean, what's meant for you is meant for you.
[00:03:16] You know, if it was. If it was meant for you, it'd still be here. There's a reason the universe is saving you from something. It's telling you that you're not prepared for this, or this is not part of your path. This is not meant to be here. You are supposed to go down this. You, You. You know, you may have met at some point in the road, but you have to start to head elsewhere. It's time.
[00:03:40] And who knows where you'll end up again. Maybe you end up on the same path with this thing that you lost, but it's not.
[00:03:46] It's important to go.
[00:03:48] There's something bigger at play here, and it's. I have to trust that that's the right move. Even though, like, your entire body is going, no, no, no, no, no. You want to dig your feet in the sand and refuse to move.
[00:04:02] But that's the, that's the trap. That's the real fucking trap. You know, you.
[00:04:11] You can end up really destroying everything that you've done and really, like, you stop helping yourself. And then you become the worst version of you. The version of you that you've been fighting to. To get away from. The version of you that you've, that you've not erased, but that you've. You've created this, what you are now. But out of the version that you didn't want, you know, you're the better version now. And you don't want to go back to who you were.
[00:04:37] So it's.
[00:04:39] It's really important to just. To just stay on track and, and like, that's where, like, doing the things like, okay, I got to do. What do I want to do? What do. If I Want to sit around and smoke cigarettes and fucking not do shit. What is the thing? I need to get up. I got to go to the gym. I got to go do comedy. I got to do, you know, these little things where you're like, I don't feel like it. But you do. And you always feel better when you do.
[00:05:01] You know, you got to keep your life in order, otherwise you start to spiral.
[00:05:07] And I see a lot of people. I've seen a lot of people just allow themselves to fall apart because they don't feel right. Like, oh, I'm not. I feel like shit. I wish I was dead. Yada, yada, yada. And you see them start to just let go of the gas pedal, and all the work that they built just. Just fucking slowly starts to crumble. It's just this erosion from the inside out. And before you know it, you're just.
[00:05:32] Everything you want it to be is. You're back at square one. And what a fucking tragedy that is to allow yourself to.
[00:05:41] To just erode, to just. Just rot away. And it's.
[00:05:48] I see it. I see in a lot of people, a lot of people I know who are just. They allow themselves to just lose the spark. That's the thing, man, to allow someone or something to dim the spark in you. That's the.
[00:06:01] That is a death sentence. That is a hell on earth, man. That is the worst thing that can happen to you. I swear, if ever I lost my spark, my. My excitement, the. The little twinkle in my eye that I have when I see people or when I do something I really enjoy, if I lose that, I'm dead. I'm dead. I'm dead in the water. There's no reason to. There's no reason to wake up. There really isn't.
[00:06:26] And to think, like, how could you allow something to have so much power in your life? And luckily, I've never. I did when I was younger, but not anymore. To allow that when I go, I would never, Never. That is the most important thing to every person. That little twinkle that makes someone else go, I like being around this person.
[00:06:44] You don't want to be the guy that everyone goes, oh, what a fucking bummer. You know, What a fucking bummer.
[00:06:52] And you don't know what other people are dealing with, because when you're. You know, when you're around them, you don't know how much you're helping somebody by just. By being the chipper, you know, cheery version of yourself.
[00:07:02] You could be saving your fucking someone's life, you know, someone Needs that.
[00:07:08] I know I need that sometimes. Someone to fucking cheer you up and you're like, oh God, yeah, that's. That's. I needed that and excuse me.
[00:07:19] And.
[00:07:21] Yeah, I mean, I read an article the other day that said that there was like, it's been six months of 2025 so far, and I think it was like 444,000 and some change.
[00:07:34] People kill themselves and 70 to 80% of them were men.
[00:07:40] You don't know how many people you're going to save in your day, you know, just by being nice, just by being kind, just by trying to do something good for somebody else. And it feels good to do good for others.
[00:07:53] Even when you're feeling like shit, if you could just put that shit to the side, it makes you feel better.
[00:07:58] So I think that's. That was. That's.
[00:08:04] I've been. I like talking about this stuff because a lot of times I hear my voice when I'm listening, when I'm doing this, I hear my voice in my headphones and I'm. I'm just talking to me. And it kind of allows me to sort of figure out where I'm at.
[00:08:19] So.
[00:08:22] Yeah, I don't know.
[00:08:25] I don't know.
[00:08:26] It's funny you think that, you know, that's. It's like that's. This too shall pass, man. The good times, the bad times, it all will pass. Enjoy the good moments. The good moments will not be here forever.
[00:08:38] You're gonna have. You're gonna wake up to some shit ones.
[00:08:41] But that makes life interesting. It makes it fun. It makes it different.
[00:08:46] It makes it feel dynamic.
[00:08:49] You know, I read something the other day that said that every great plot needs conflict. And it's so true. You can't have. Without conflict, there's no plot ever. You need to have conflict. You need to have a brush up against the grain. Otherwise there's no story.
[00:09:07] There's no. There's no reason to watch a movie with no conflict. It's like it opens up characters got a problem.
[00:09:13] What's gonna happen? How we gonna figure it out? That's life. That's every day. The best lives have more conflict than most. And not drama.
[00:09:21] Conflict. Drama is more of a.
[00:09:24] It's that, it's different. There's no resolution with drama, with conflict, there's a. There is a solving of a problem.
[00:09:34] How can we get through this? How am I going to get better on the. How do I get out of the this on the other end? Better, stronger and more in tune with myself, you know, And a lot of the times the conflict is just internal. It's just you're, it's just you battling yourself, figuring out how can I figure out how to maneuver, how can I think better, how can I use my head better? How can I not be my own worst enemy and work against myself? That the head, at least mine is a. My heart. And my heart too. Because my heart will feel, I feel so much sometimes so much that it's like a pin drop feels like a goddamn, you know, a nuclear bomb.
[00:10:16] I, I, I feel things very intensely.
[00:10:19] And my head, the, the way that it just, it runs and runs and runs. It doesn't fucking stop.
[00:10:29] Which makes sense why I like to do comedy. But it's this constant hamster wheel and I'm sure other people have it where it just. Or not a beside what's a better one?
[00:10:40] Like a merry go round. The horses are just bouncing up and down and it's going and going and the theme park doesn't fucking stop.
[00:10:49] And I've been trying to figure out how to, how to calm my head but also stay on track with things. I don't remember the last time I relaxed. I really don't, I don't know how I'm up so early, I'm up late. I'm constantly doing something and I think it's because I feel like I won't have time, you know, that there's not enough time to do things. So I make sure to try to make use of every second I have.
[00:11:18] I am either working to make money or working on comedy or doing this or writing. It's, it's a non stop thing and sometimes you just need to do nothing. But when you do nothing, that's when the fucking, the crazy monkeys come out in your head and start, you know, rattling shit up.
[00:11:41] But I just, I've always been on the move. I don't know how to not.
[00:11:47] And I need to figure out a way to sort of sit back and go, no, no, you need to allow, you, you need to. I mean I, and I meditate every morning, but even that's, you know, so much pops into my head too. Does help. But what is the, how do you get there? How do you get to a relaxed state?
[00:12:08] You know, the cortisol levels are just fucking jumping always, they're always fucking off the charts, man.
[00:12:17] But you're not here long, man. You're not here, you're not here long.
[00:12:24] I mean, look at Ozzy, Ozzy Osbourne died today.
[00:12:29] What a legend, man. What a legend.
[00:12:32] He, you Know your school teachers always told you, don't do drugs, don't do alcohol. He's living proof that drugs and alcohol are fucking cool, man. I don't care what anyone says. Being a rock star is the coolest thing. You.
[00:12:47] He. I mean, he had a wild, bumpy ride. Another proof. Is that another. You know what showed me, what Ozzy showed me is that your fucking body's a theme park, man. Have fun. Bang that shit up. And, you know, to make it to 70. What was he, 76 or something? To make it to 76, with the amount of shit he put up his nose is a fucking win. It just goes to show you that really, you know, you see these runners that drop dead at 40 and. And you see people who, you know, Keith Richards does heroin his entire life, and he's still kicking, he's still doing shows.
[00:13:24] I mean, it just goes to show you. I. I think. I really do think that we're all just given a number at birth.
[00:13:30] And when it's your time, it's your time. No matter what you do, whether you smoke, you drink. I know people who smoke their whole lives and never got lung cancer. They live for 99.
[00:13:40] And I think this is just one of those cases of, you know what? Enjoy it. Do the things you want to do. I mean, yeah, sure, don't just, you know, destroy yourself for the sake of destroying yourself. But if it's what you want to do, then. And you can figure out how to stay, you know, you know, being a normal, functioning member of society. And I use the word normal very loosely because I'm not normal at all.
[00:14:03] But do what the fuck you want to do.
[00:14:06] Do it. I think at the end of the day, you're just given a number. I don't know when mine is. I've never felt.
[00:14:15] I don't know why. I never felt like I was going to live long. I still don't.
[00:14:19] And maybe that's why I'm constantly moving the constant. Like, I don't. I don't know when this is going to be over. So I want to get what I can get done and hopefully leave.
[00:14:29] This sounds egotistical, but leave some sort of impact or leave something. I don't want to say, leave something behind because it's fucking. Who cares? Like, no one. Most people won't remember me in a hundred years. So, I mean, they won't remember after. If I died tomorrow, couple months, everyone would be over it and, you know, maybe there'd be a couple handfuls that would think about me for the rest of their lives. But, you know, I mean, Ozzy Osbourne touched everyone, so he's.
[00:14:57] He's the exception. But if you can be remembered, great, but that shouldn't be the objective.
[00:15:02] But it would be cool to leave the world a little bit of a better place than how, you know, than it was before.
[00:15:10] And he. He was living proof, man. There isn't one person who wasn't totally fucking just distraught by his death.
[00:15:21] Everyone was upset. Everyone I spoke to. I mean, he was.
[00:15:26] He was the best. He was just so fucking cool and so fun and. I mean, I didn't know him, but I'm sure he was nut. And you know what else that really show up is Sharon Osborne.
[00:15:38] They don't make women like that, ma'. Am. Very few. I mean, she dealt with. So, I mean, I think she probably knew what she was doing. She was. You know, she knew staying with him was. It was a smarter move than leaving him, but she also loved him.
[00:15:52] She stuck by his side till the end, till the fucking wheels fell off.
[00:15:59] She was a good. Is a good woman.
[00:16:01] She took care of that motherfucker in his highest highs and his lowest lows and never left his side and was like, you know what?
[00:16:10] I'm here for you no matter what. I know you love me. I know you up. Because she should have left him a million times, but she never did.
[00:16:17] And he seemed to really love her.
[00:16:20] But women like that, I just don't think they got him anymore. I just don't think it's. It's like that. There's very. They're sure there may be some, but very few and far between.
[00:16:32] Sharon Osborne is a. Is kept him to gather, man. She really.
[00:16:38] She was the neck in that part of the. You know, he's the head of the family, and she was the neck, and the neck controls the head, you know, and that's pretty cool, man. That's the kind of. I mean, I don't want to cheat on my. You know, whoever I end up with, but when I'm fucking down and you know, just up someone who's gonna be like, yo, I'm gonna. I'm gonna get us out of that. I'll be fucking kill you when I'm done with this, but I'm not gonna let you drown, you know, And I would hope to do the same for someone else to just be like, hey, look, I. I got you. I got you. No matter what. Whatever you need right now, I got you.
[00:17:16] That.
[00:17:17] That to me is a.
[00:17:20] That's the real man. That's real as.
[00:17:24] And I'm sure that funeral is going to be insane. Dude, that's going to be a wild funeral. That's probably. It's probably going to be so much blow.
[00:17:32] Oh, what I'd give to be there. I would give anything in the. The performances I'm sure they're going to have for him. Holy.
[00:17:39] It's going to be insane, man.
[00:17:42] I would kill, fucking kill to be there.
[00:17:45] But, yeah, rest in peace, Ozzy, man, you were. You were a legend.
[00:17:51] And Robin Williams, his birthday was the other day, and he.
[00:17:57] He was another one. He was another one that I just.
[00:18:00] I fucking adored him.
[00:18:03] And I just.
[00:18:06] He left and he has a really great quote. I posted it the other day.
[00:18:12] Where is it?
[00:18:14] I don't know. And I think this was from Morgan Mindy, when, you know, in the 70s. I don't know how much value I have in this world, in this universe, but I do know that I've made a few people happier than they would have been without me. And as long as I know that I'm as rich as ever I need to be, that's powerful shit, man.
[00:18:37] It's true. Because that's the only.
[00:18:40] That's the only thing that matters, is trying to just making people smile a little more, you know, like, if I died tomorrow, I would.
[00:18:50] I would hope. I don't. I don't know, I can't speak for others, but they'd go, damn, that. That guy put a smile on my face.
[00:18:57] He really made me happy. He knew how to make everyone around him feel happy. Knew how to make everyone feel welcome and feel good.
[00:19:04] And that's.
[00:19:06] You know, I don't have anything. I don't have any money.
[00:19:09] I don't have much to show for my life except my relationships.
[00:19:15] That's all I have is really solid relationships with people.
[00:19:20] Always tried to be a good person. And that's. To me, it was like, all right, well, I'm pretty successful then, right?
[00:19:27] I've always wanted to be like, you know, as far as a career goes, to be wildly successful. And I'm really trying, but if that never happens, which I believe it will, it's just a matter of more work and more time.
[00:19:42] But fuck, if that's all. If they could say that about me, I've done a good job. I don't know what's after this, you know, where we'll end up or who, you know, if there's another world or another life. I like to think there is, but I.
[00:20:00] This is the one I know now. And I'M gonna try to do my best to do the right thing.
[00:20:06] You know, I never understood people who were just shitty people. So it's a weird thing. Like, how could you not hey that. Maybe it's just narcissism. Maybe it's. You're just a. Just a person. I don't know.
[00:20:20] But I just. Yeah, being a good person is the most important thing. And Robin Williams, he put there's. And he's another person that not one person had any. Everyone loved Robin Williams. Everybody.
[00:20:36] And he wasn't perfect. I mean, he fucking did tons of drugs and he had some issues with, you know, wives and stuff. But the fucking people loved him.
[00:20:46] Loved him.
[00:20:49] I saw. I saw Brian Holtzman last night at. At the Comic Strip, and I had never seen him before. And that dude's my fucking hero. And he's. He's known, if you don't know Brian Holtzman for being.
[00:21:02] I mean, all the comics talk about him being the fucking greatest, and he is. He is the fucking goat. Different than Dave Chappelle, different than Louis CK he's more of like a comics comic. He. He'll clear out the room and say the most wild crazy you've ever heard. And I love that.
[00:21:20] I live for it. It's the kind of I always wanted to do. I, I. Not even close to figuring it out, but it's always what I was interested in.
[00:21:28] And I saw him in the back talking to people before, and he was such a nice kind. Like, you could see he was just a. Just a nice guy. And then he'd go up on stage and do this crazy and say all these slurs and, and scream and do rape jokes and all these ethnic jokes. And it was so funny. And he was sitting there, like, when people wouldn't laugh, he's like, it's a fucking rape joke. It's a fucking, you know, a suicide joke. How could you not see how absurd this is? That it's. That you don't think I'm like, how fucking dumb? Like, has the world sanitized you to such an extent that you can't understand that this is a joke? This is a comedy club. Like, yo, loosen up. These are just fucking words.
[00:22:12] You know, Everyone feels like they need to. They need to feel bad for somebody else because that's the right thing to do. That's how the world has trained everybody. And it's such a fucked up way to live. Like how I.
[00:22:27] Who. Yeah, the world sucks sometimes. It's dark for certain people, but doesn't mean it didn't happen to you doesn't mean you can't still feel bad and still laugh about something.
[00:22:37] Like, you need to make light of these things. And I fucking.
[00:22:41] It gets me fucking crazy when I hear. When I see people get bent out of shape because of something that's said, you know, it just, it drives me nuts. Like how fucking just wound up and tight and. And just uninteresting are you and like what happened and probably nothing happened to you. That's the thing. It's usually the people who had things happen to them that are able to sit and laugh with it. And it's the ones who never had a fucking thing happen that get bent out of shape by things where their life has been the same repeat fucking shitty song on loop. And they feel like to make their life a little more three dimensional they have to feel bad and they need to speak up for someone that's. That's dealt with injustice. And it's like, go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself with that.
[00:23:36] You don't have to do a gun. The people. Is there anything more degrading than someone else needing, needing someone to speak up for them? Like, is that how little and small you think that person or that group of people is that they need you? Who the are you that you need to speak up for this, this group, for this entire group, you know? And that drives me insane. You're more degrading and more.
[00:24:07] Doing more damage to. To that person or that group of people by. By saying, I need to take a stand. No, they can take a stand if they need to. And it's always the people who are that, you know, ethnicity or race or whatever, where the joke is being poked at them that are actually cool with the joke. It's usually the opp, which is white people.
[00:24:28] There's no one else that are the ones that have to go, we need to do the right thing. No, you don't have to do a thing.
[00:24:36] It drives me nuts, drives me fucking crazy and I hate it.
[00:24:41] Like it just. Just sit back, eat your fucking popcorn and laugh. And if you don't like it, then leave.
[00:24:48] The funny thing is, is that people don't realize that there's a person that's doing this on stage. This is a performance, this is an entertainment. This is an act.
[00:24:58] You are watching someone perform in a place where your laughter is supposed to be acceptable.
[00:25:05] And people will shout and interrupt and deliberately try to derail someone who's trying to work. That's the thing about comedy that people don't understand is that that person is at work, they're doing their job. Imagine screaming in Diane's face, who's working as a secretary in a dental office because she. You didn't like something that happened. You just. You don't do that. Normal people in normal jobs don't get screamed at going, whatever. It's. It only happens in these cases because people think it's okay. It's not okay. It's not right to sit and yell at some. That's a fucking person up there too. And you have no idea. It's usually the person who's able to talk about this shit, who's had more shit happen to them than anyone else.
[00:26:00] You know, you talk about rape jokes.
[00:26:02] I. And this is, this is gonna sound like I'm, you know, I was fucking. I. When I was 12 years old, a 16 year old girl had sex with me.
[00:26:13] Technically, I was molested. I know more about rape than someone than, than the woman who's screaming, who's never experienced it in her life. And I hope that she never does because it is horrible. I don't want anyone to happen. Anyone. But the point is, is that you don't know what that person went through. You don't know their life.
[00:26:33] And that's why they're able to talk about it A lot of times. They're probably more well rounded and have dealt with the situation or have figured it out and talked about it and talked through it. And they're able to speak about it now and make, make light of it.
[00:26:46] I just went on a rant there. Jesus, that's. But yeah, watching Holtzman, I was dying.
[00:26:53] Dying. Just the most wild, crazy shit.
[00:26:57] And it was the most fun I had in a really long time.
[00:27:01] And it showed me that you gotta do whatever the fuck you want.
[00:27:06] I remember he said up there, he goes, I don't know what you guys. He goes, all I know is what I think is funny. I can't do what you think is funny because I don't know what you think is funny. So I need to do what I think is funny. And I.
[00:27:17] That's it. That's the only thing you can do, is do what you think is the right thing to do and done and just go for it.
[00:27:25] And if they hate you for it, they fucking hate you. Who gives a shit? It's not worth it. It's not worth, you know, being bent out of shape over some idiot. They can't see that you're still a decent human being, then it's their loss.
[00:27:39] They judge you by. It's called an act for a reason.
[00:27:43] It's not, yeah, sure, it's. There's. It's you. It's parts of you, but you don't believe all this stuff that you're saying, so that's my fucking spiel on that, man. I just drives me absolutely mad, and. I don't know.
[00:28:05] I don't know. The world seems to be a bit of a crazy place.
[00:28:12] Shit.
[00:28:16] I just.
[00:28:19] Yeah, that's. That was. That was. That just took it out of me. Wow.
[00:28:23] Made me a little tired, honestly.
[00:28:27] But been trying to work on some new stuff, too.
[00:28:34] Trying to push the limits, push the line, see where it is, cross it, and just.
[00:28:40] Just fucking go for it.
[00:28:42] Just fucking go for it. That's all you can do.
[00:28:45] Go for it. I'm trying to do more things. I'm trying to do more activities, play basketball. I want to do a pottery class. Everyone keeps telling me I'm gay for wanting to do a pottery class, but I just. I really been dying to do it for a while. I think I'm gonna do that this week.
[00:28:59] Go make some fucking mugs. I love mugs. There's nothing like a good mug, you know?
[00:29:05] Like, that's the only thing I don't have a lot of, like, dining stuff. Like, I have, like, four plates and four little plates, four big plates, four bowls. Like, just enough for single guy.
[00:29:19] But I have a lot of mugs. Like, I really like mugs. There's something. Something cool about having different mugs. I don't know what it is, but then you always have a favorite mug. You know, you have that mug that's just kind of like, you always want to use. Like, even if it's dirty, you'll. You'll wash that specific mug because you like to drink coffee out of it.
[00:29:38] That's always fun, right?
[00:29:40] Fucking mugs. That's what I'm talking about on a podcast. Mugs. I have really. I. This has gotten really interesting. I'm. I'm changing the world here. Look at that.
[00:29:50] Look at that. Just. Just.
[00:29:52] That's what straight men. Straight white men talk about now. Mugs. Before, they used to, you know, storm the beaches of Normandy and, you know, fight for. For peace on Earth. And now they talk about how their favorite mug and which is it?
[00:30:06] It's.
[00:30:09] It's pretty funny.
[00:30:11] It's pretty funny. I like talking about mugs. Who. Who. I want you to find me a person who doesn't like mugs, and I'll show you someone who's just. Just missing a warm part of them. You Know, there's something warm about it. I think, at least there was something else I saw in the news that I wanted to talk about. I don't remember.
[00:30:29] I'm looking through my phone right now trying to find the screenshot.
[00:30:33] Where the fuck are the screenshots?
[00:30:37] Fuck me. Where was it?
[00:30:41] Oh. Giraffes headbutt the females in the bladder until they pee and then taste the pee to see if it's ovulating.
[00:30:49] That's a.
[00:30:50] That's a wild ritual. Imagine punching a woman in the stomach and drinking her piss. And then you go, yeah, okay, we can have sex and we can mate.
[00:30:58] You imagine, like, that's a.
[00:31:01] How. How did we get out of that? How do we get out of the sniffing each other, you know, and figuring out, like, oh, oh, it's time to. You know, it's time to have sex. Or it's, now we can mate. Like, the fact that we figured out how to not drink piss to.
[00:31:20] To wonder, you know, to. To mate.
[00:31:23] We got really lucky. Like, I.
[00:31:26] Although, never. Never mind, because we're drinking piss now for pleasure, so that may be worse. Honestly, we're not hitting the women to do it, but, I mean, we are. I think you have to finger a woman pretty rigorously to get them to. To squirt, so that could be considered a form of. Of hitting them to pee, you know? Oh, sounds like a fire.
[00:31:48] Yeah. So then maybe there. Maybe. Maybe we're getting it up because the. The giraffes are like, look, we have to do this.
[00:31:55] You don't have to drink piss anymore. You guys are for pleasure. You guys have figured it out. I think dolphins for pleasure, too, which is an interesting, Interesting thing. I always wanted to see what it looked like, you know, to see two dolphins, because how do you, like, stay. You don't float away from each other, you know?
[00:32:16] How do they not float off?
[00:32:20] Is the penis, like. Does it have. Does the vagina have, like, an attachment where it's like, all right, we're locked in like a. Like a little puzzle piece.
[00:32:29] The dolphins are horny, man.
[00:32:32] They. They'll anything.
[00:32:36] I don't know how we started off with me feeling a little shitty lately and my heart hurting to Brian Haltzman and now dolphins.
[00:32:46] I'm clearly feeling fine. Honestly, I don't know what I was talking about. I feel good.
[00:32:50] Dolphins, man, and giraffe string piss, and so do some people, and that's okay. We're all entitled to do what we want to do and feel what we want to feel.
[00:33:01] Oh, there was something Else in this flesh eating maggots are inching toward the US the plan bomb them with radiation treated flies. Hundreds of millions of flies dropping from planes in the sky might sound like a horrible nightmare. But experts say such a swarm could be the livestock industry's best defense against a flesh eating threat poised to invade southwestern border of the United States. Exciting stuff. I mean, how could you, you know, this season of America, it was. It was a little boring. All we had was war. You know, let's get some flesh eating maggots. That's what we need. We need something more exciting to us up. How the did we get. How does that even happen? Don't maggots show up when things are just rotting away?
[00:33:46] What's. How. What are they. What are they just inching their way over? They like just worming their way here. How did, how did, how did they get here? Someone carried a maggot on them.
[00:33:56] A flesh eating. How do you not know that something's eating your flesh also? Like when you have it on you? Like wouldn't you just peel it off and that's it? Then the maggot stops eating your flesh like you.
[00:34:10] How do you not know? How can you just not just flick it off? I don't get that. How we. How do. How is this a problem, you know, or unless it starts to eat it and then you flick it off and then your skin just rots away.
[00:34:21] That's something different. Then it's too late. That's like a tick, you know, Someone bites you and then they latched on and once you get them off, you still have Lyme disease.
[00:34:30] I don't know. I just think that this is. We've.
[00:34:34] Haven't we had enough? You know, it's like, hopefully these flies will do the trick. Honestly, I don't know how that's.
[00:34:43] I wonder who thought of that. So yo, let's just throw flies everywhere.
[00:34:49] Like that's, that's a.
[00:34:51] Imagine being a board meeting. And that's. That's. You're the one that comes up with that idea. And everyone's like, that's fucking brilliant. You're like, dude, I never thought that was gonna work, honestly.
[00:35:02] So there's. There's that.
[00:35:11] What the fuck is this? Oh, there's another. This is an article about sex. I think it was okay.
[00:35:20] Oh, this one's good. A woman was arrested for sending 65,000 messages to a man after just one date. She was found inside the man's home bathing while he was away.
[00:35:33] Jacqueline AD sent a man more than 65,000 text messages, including 500 text messages in one day, some of which were threatening. Over the course of nearly 10 months, when the man was out of the country, she allegedly broke into his house, but he saw her through home surveillance and called police. According to the police statement, officers found her taking a bath and arrested her. Felony charges were filed against her for first degree criminal trespassing of a residential structure, but allegedly continued to text the victim threatening messages. When asked by reporters if sending 65,000 text messages was successive, she responded with, love is an excessive thing.
[00:36:11] What a crazy bitch. What a crazy bitch. That is wild. I need to find her. This is the kind of love I've been looking for. I need someone that's, you know, keeps me in check. Make sure, like, this is. This is love if I've ever seen it before.
[00:36:27] That's just.
[00:36:28] Wow, 65. I mean, who needs to track a location when you send that many messages? You don't need someone's location. You know where they are. You're in the backseat of their car with piano wire, ready to fucking strangle them. That is where you are. That woman is.
[00:36:44] I wonder what happens to someone where they think that that's actually acceptable. Does she. Is she bipolar?
[00:36:50] Is she just totally fucking mad?
[00:36:54] But love is in. Imagine that's what you tell someone. You. Rather than snapping out of it, going, wow, that was crazy. I should. I'm so sorry. You. You can't help it. I saw this picture of this lady. Holy shit. This. The look in her eye. Narcissists have a sick look in their eye, this glazed over look that you can't. There's just looks like nobody's there.
[00:37:16] It is the most frightening thing ever. I've fucked one of these people before, and there's just no one home. No one. It's. You're like, is this person gonna kill me? Is this person even. Are they a complete sociopath who just doesn't give a shit about me at all?
[00:37:31] It's a wild thing.
[00:37:34] But they're the person I slept with who had the dead eyes. They were actually turned out to be pretty. Okay. I don't think they cared about me much, but they were. They were a good time.
[00:37:42] They were nice, good people.
[00:37:46] But 65. I mean, what is. What's the threshold? Like, what is the limit? How many texts do you send it? I don't. If someone doesn't answer one text, I usually don't text again. If it's a girl, like, I'll wait.
[00:37:59] I'll wait, like, a couple days. And even then, I'm like, if they haven't messaged me, I'm like, they. I'll maybe send one more three days later or a day later. And then if that doesn't get an answer, I go, okay, they don't. They don't want to talk to me.
[00:38:14] But how do you send 65, 000 in a day? Like, what are the questions? What is she saying? She's saying, I love you. Answer me. Answer me. Answer me.
[00:38:22] Then you break into the house and take a bath.
[00:38:25] Why a bath? Why would you take a bath? Like, why don't you just lay in bed and sleep and wait? Like, what were you.
[00:38:32] I mean, a bath does calm you down. Maybe she needed a bath. Maybe she didn't have a bathtub and that's why she did that. Maybe she needed to get really clean.
[00:38:41] And, you know, she was just like, hey, I. I figured I could break into this guy's house because I sent him 65,000 texts.
[00:38:48] So I assume that we're together, but I guess she. I wonder if she knew he was. She must have known he was away. She had to be stalking him and knew. Okay, I can go in now. But what if he was home and she didn't know he was away? Maybe she was gonna kill him.
[00:39:01] This woman's gonna end up getting released and murdering this fucking guy.
[00:39:05] That's fucking nuts.
[00:39:08] There was another story. What was the other one?
[00:39:11] Oh, a guy got in Long Island. He was wearing a. He got. Okay, he got sucked into an MRI machine and died, which is kind of funny.
[00:39:22] He was wearing a 20 pound chain.
[00:39:27] Do we have to guess what he was? I'm not being racist. He is. He happened to be black. That was just. I mean, what are the odds? But it's.
[00:39:37] To get sucked into an mri. Like, what is. I've never gotten an MRI done, so I don't even know what that looks like. But, like, sucked into an MRI machine sounds like a. Like an episode of Black Mirror. Like, he's probably not even dead. He's just in, like another universe right now. That's what happened. That's how you time travel. You get sucked into an MRI machine and you end up, you know, in a different time. You end up in. In where Matthew McConaughey ended up in Interstellar, in, like an eight dimensional world, and he's just chilling with his 20 pound chain. That guy figured it out. I'm going to go. I want to get sucked into an MRI machine and see if I can maybe, like, I don't know, go back in time and fix some things in my life. That would be kind of cool.
[00:40:21] But to get. Imagine that's like your wife going to your funeral. Like, oh, my God. I'm so sorry. How'd he die? He got sucked into an MRI machine.
[00:40:30] What a stupid fucking way to die. That is just.
[00:40:35] That is so funny.
[00:40:37] That's just.
[00:40:38] That doesn't happen. That doesn't happen.
[00:40:43] Oh, man. I was thinking. I was hoping I'd have more for that. This is fun. This is nice riffing. Start off a little dark. I'm sorry, guys. I didn't mean to. To get you off. But I always like to talk about how I'm feeling.
[00:40:52] But this. This riffing. This helps my brain so much. Keeps me sharp. It keeps me wondering about things. It keeps me. Just keeps the brain and the juices flowing and asking the questions of like, ooh, what's that? You know, what's that about?
[00:41:09] Oh, the last thing. And then I'm gonna get the fuck out of here. Lena Dunham. I saw a picture of what this fucking hippopotamus looks like. Holy shit, dude. You know, she wants to talk about body positivity. The only thing her body is positive for is type 2 diabetes. That is it. You. She needs to get it together.
[00:41:27] She's just. Just a fat, miserable bitch. I don't want to sound like an asshole, but it's true. It's just true. She's. She's. She was like, anyone who comes at me, I'm gonna come at them. And it's like, I'm not. I don't want to make fun of fat people for the sake of being fat, but, I mean, it is fun, but it's like, they're like, how can you sit there and say that this is a good thing? You are not healthy. Your skeleton is not meant to carry this much weight. You should be taking. You should try to get. Take better care of yourself. Yeah, I love the way I am. Should. No, you don't. No one wants to feel like they can't bend over and tie their fucking shoes. That's not a good feeling. That sucks. You're lying to yourself, and you're just being fucking lazy.
[00:42:09] Like, I understand it's hard. It's not easy, but don't lie. Like, you could say, like, yeah, I'm not feeling the best, but don't lie and tell people it's okay to be fat. Yeah, sure, it's okay. It's not illegal. But it's not something that you shouldn't try to get rid of.
[00:42:26] You're gonna. You're shortening your life. And I know I said about Ozzy before about doing what you want and. And sure, if that's what you want, then fine. But I know it affects your mental health. I know it does. So does drugs and alcohol, but drugs and alcohol don't. Unless you're drinking them every day. The same thing. Like, unless you're eating every day. Like, you know, getting overweight, then yeah, of course it should be taken easy. But I don't know. I don't know. That's just my opinion. I know that this is gonna be. People gonna just jump on this one, but if they even make it this far.
[00:43:00] But anyway, I just felt like that was some fun stuff. I've been trying to do more current events, talk about things that are happening in the news. It helps me with my comedy and hopefully something funny comes of it. I don't know if any of this was funny. It probably wasn't funny to me, maybe. But a lot of things are funny to me that aren't funny to most usually laughing at my own jokes, which is probably not the way that comedy supposed to work. But fuck, I enjoy my company. And this is where things start to get off the rails. And I go, I'm just gonna talk to myself all day.
[00:43:30] It's.
[00:43:33] But hey, yeah. Oh, the CEO, also, the Coldplay CEO. I forgot about that guy. Yeah, that's already played out. Everyone's been talking about that shit. I. Here's the thing, last thing. I don't think he should have lost his job. I also think. And I jumped on the bandwagon too. I had a video go viral because of it. And I just think that the way that, that this. It's bad enough that he cheated on his wife, but to have the entire Internet just destroy you is.
[00:44:00] That's gotta suck. It's gotta suck, man. It's gonna. The next CEO is gonna think twice before he cheats. He'll be like, I don't want to be a meme. I really don't.
[00:44:10] So, yeah, there's gonna be a lot less CEOs cheating. He just. I don't think they should have lost their jobs. I think, you know what? He did a good job. He did what he did. He fucked up. His marriage should end. She. She should divorce him and do whatever she wants. But I don't think that you should have lost your job over it.
[00:44:26] I just don't. I think that that should be like, you know what? This guy handles it. If he handles his business. Well, he fucked up, but that's it. Part of his personal life, he's still able to keep the company afloat and do what he's got to do. I just don't think he should have lost his job. Or her.
[00:44:41] I don't.
[00:44:43] But what the fuck do I know? I'm not the CEO of Astronomers, so I'm just gonna shut the fuck up or. No, I'm not gonna shut the fuck up, but I will say it. And I'm just gonna sit here with my little thoughts and. And watch from the sidelines as the world is, you know, falling apart. And I'm gonna just comment on it, because that's what I do.
[00:45:03] All right, well, that's it for me. I think I'm gonna go to bed.
[00:45:09] Hopefully this was fun. Hopefully you made it through like the. The part of me being a little, you know, feeling a little crummy and then you made it to the fun part. The fun part's the always the end. But maybe I'll keep doing current events.
[00:45:22] Alright, thank you for listening, guys.
[00:45:25] See you later, Sa.
